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Does anyone else have Dad Issues?

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  • Does anyone else have Dad Issues?

    I've written before about my dad here. He's a very difficult person to explain. I'll try to keep it brief because I could write a novel about it all.

    He's very vain, selfish, and has little empathy for others. He feels like he's the most put-upon person on earth and that he's some kind of saint. Throughout my childhood, he constantly whined how much he hated being a father and husband and told us all the fun things he would do if he didn't have this burden. When he spoke to others, even total strangers, he wouldn't hesitate to tell them what horrible wife & kids he had. He's even tell people my most embarrassing secrets.

    He always tried to micro-manage my life to try and mold me into another him. To this day, he is hyper-critical of the whole family, especially me. Every time that I visit, he just rattles off a laundry list of things I should/shouldn't be doing with my life. He's quite open about what a failure I am to him. He tells me that my life is over now and there's no hope for me, so he's putting all his faith in my youngest brother to succeed. (Success=government job with pension, marriage, children.) But my brother is on the Autism spectrum and women hate him. It's asking too much of him.

    Dad has really been a terrible male role model for my brothers and I. My impatience, my bad temper, and my complaining all come from him and as much as I try to suppress it, it comes out when I'm upset. I've messed up every relationship I've been in because of this.

    I have had a plethora of health problems throughout my life that have hindered me in finding success in life. Dad NEVER GOT SICK and so he never learned empathy.
    But just in the last year or so, his health began declining. He almost died a couple months ago from pneumonia and he also got diagnosed with Parkinsons. But this hasn't really humbled him. It's now gone to, "I'm going to be dead soon and you won't be able to survive without me!"

    All this being said. He is my dad, and the only one I will ever have. I don't know many other adults that have dad issues. I would really like to have a good relationship with him in his final years, but I don't know how to do that. I know that if I don't settle things while he's alive, it's going to eat at me forever after he goes.

  • #2
    well from experience only

    tell him what you will and will not accept, and let the cards fall where they may.i told a highly critical parent I couldn't accept the negativity anymore.(cue dubs with some be a man bs)

    then once the smoke clears, appreciate what little difference it made, and try and accept they are who they are.....when he is an ass, smile and say love you to pops(sarcastic is ok)

    wish I had something better for ya, wish there was a something better...….a philosopher might say, change what ya can, accept the rest, and drink heavily
    Last edited by menrppl2; 12-01-2018, 08:41 AM.
    A man can gain no more respect than by, laying down his life for a woman. And a woman, no more than by, beating down a man. For a man to ask, what is fair and good and true and just, is to offend.

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    • #3
      Thanks for the response. I'd like to hear stories about how you guys relate to your fathers, if you ever had issues, and if/how you ever resolved them.
      I have no idea what having a normal father is like. I did have a WWII vet grandfather that was a great man, but he was old and sick during my childhood. He didn't talk much. I think he seethed at the weak men that his daughters married and it shortened his life. He died when I was in my early teens when I really needed a a strong male role model.
      Last edited by Phobos; 12-01-2018, 01:39 PM.

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      • #4

        Not sure what "normal" is, everybody has more or less the same complaints.

        If it's really that intolerable then live under your own roof and avoid contact.

        But then once you do that, you realize you miss having that relationship.

        TL;DR Put your foot down, watch him ignore it, love him anyway.

        When he dies, you'll miss having time with him, and maybe even realize some of the things he said were right. Or not.

        Either way, just put up with it, or don't.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by dubs View Post
          If it's really that intolerable then live under your own roof and avoid contact.
          I've done that already, but I have to see him when I visit my mom. Occasionally I'll need his help. For example, I needed his station wagon to take an old chair from my apartment to the Goodwill. (I don't have a car.) He acted like it was this HUGE imposition on him (like he always does) and that I owe him big. Keep in mind this is the same guy that tells me never to get my own car because I'm too poor. (He's right about that part.)

          When he dies, you'll miss having time with him, and maybe even realize some of the things he said were right.
          Some of the things he says turn out to be right, but that stuff is buried in-between all the trash he talks. That's why I never listened.
          It's funny because he would tell me stories about how he learned to completely tune out his Jewish Mother's nagging when he was young.

          I have one friend that has a similar story. His dad was much older then his mom, and they divorced when he was very young. After that, his dad got weekend custody, although his dad never seemed to actually want it. He would usually dump my friend off at the movie theater, usually alone while dad chased skirts at bars. The rare times he did stay with him, he'd insist they sit one seat apart. Dad would hire various young Asian babysitters to care for him when he was at home, and he usually boinked them. He had to marry one of the teenage girls, the second of many subsequent marriages to mail order brides. They kept divorcing him, so he moved to the Philippines when he retired in hopes he could find some sweet young poontang that would actually stay with him.

          My friend is an adult now and dad came back to the states to get surgery. He asked that my friend let him crash there for a couple weeks. Weeks became a month, and then he said he wanted to stay another month. My buddy's wife felt he was overstaying his welcome, and he ended up kicking out his dad after a heated argument where dad refused to take responsibility for being a shitty father.
          My friend is an Army vet and a pretty tough dude, yet he still seeks a father figure. He was telling me about how he went on a hunting trip with his mom's new husband. It really meant a lot to him, even though this step-father only came into his life as an adult.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Phobos View Post
            I've done that already, but I have to see him when I visit my mom. Occasionally I'll need his help. For example, I needed his station wagon to take an old chair from my apartment to the Goodwill. (I don't have a car.) He acted like it was this HUGE imposition on him (like he always does) and that I owe him big. Keep in mind this is the same guy that tells me never to get my own car because I'm too poor. (He's right about that part.)


            Some of the things he says turn out to be right, but that stuff is buried in-between all the trash he talks. That's why I never listened.
            It's funny because he would tell me stories about how he learned to completely tune out his Jewish Mother's nagging when he was young.

            I have one friend that has a similar story. His dad was much older then his mom, and they divorced when he was very young. After that, his dad got weekend custody, although his dad never seemed to actually want it. He would usually dump my friend off at the movie theater, usually alone while dad chased skirts at bars. The rare times he did stay with him, he'd insist they sit one seat apart. Dad would hire various young Asian babysitters to care for him when he was at home, and he usually boinked them. He had to marry one of the teenage girls, the second of many subsequent marriages to mail order brides. They kept divorcing him, so he moved to the Philippines when he retired in hopes he could find some sweet young poontang that would actually stay with him.

            My friend is an adult now and dad came back to the states to get surgery. He asked that my friend let him crash there for a couple weeks. Weeks became a month, and then he said he wanted to stay another month. My buddy's wife felt he was overstaying his welcome, and he ended up kicking out his dad after a heated argument where dad refused to take responsibility for being a shitty father.
            My friend is an Army vet and a pretty tough dude, yet he still seeks a father figure. He was telling me about how he went on a hunting trip with his mom's new husband. It really meant a lot to him, even though this step-father only came into his life as an adult.
            Kid, look, it's all meaningless.

            Everybody has family problems, kooky family dynamics, fights, you name it.

            The only thing I can tell you is that families tend to love each other even despite the mess, and despite the fact that they probably shouldn't.

            Life isn't logical, it doesn't make any sense.

            I've had trainwreck fights with my dad, we locked horns almost daily since I was 15 or so, when I was about 30 I said some things to him that couldn't be unsaid and our relationship was never the same.

            Despite all that.

            My dad's gone now and I miss him like crazy, I'd give anything to have him for 5 minutes, to hold him and talk to him.

            So

            Have your fights, lock your horns, do whatever you think you need to do.

            Just remember you have him for a limited time only.

            ~~~~

            Where it concerns "Father Figures" you can just put that under the category of "Male relationships" and yes they are important.

            It's important to have friends, buddies, bros, father figures, etc etc.

            There are certain things a woman can't relate to.

            It's not a question of intelligence.

            Male energy and female energy are different, mom energy and dad energy are different, bro energy and "date night" energy are different.

            In some ways the intimacy of a best friend, a bro, goes higher than the intimacy you can have with your wife.

            ~~~~

            Society tells you that men are stoic/calculating and women are empathetic.

            That is %100 bullshit.

            There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like a wolfpack of bros, whether it's a military/police squad, or a bowling club, or any kind of male-only association.

            You will never feel that level of comeraderie from women, ever.

            They will bleed with you, cry with you and die with you.

            A group of women will just go "eeeek" and scatter.

            That's not shit-talking women, women can be great and true friends, just on a different level.

            ~~~~

            But yeah, back to "dad energy."

            Mom energy is like "I'm gonna take care of you my cuddly wuddly poo poo."

            Dad energy is like "We're gonna be a wolfpack, I'm gonna teach you how to be a wolfpack."

            Part of the wolfpack is trash talk, "what's the matter, can't keep up?"

            And that pushes you to higher performance (or is intended to.)

            Don't fall into the new age mentality that everybody gets a participation ribbon.

            Like "even the losers are winners."

            No.

            I mean maybe that's the way it works at Berkely, I dunno.

            But on %99 of the planet, winners fuck the prom queen.

            Your dad probably comes from that same sort of "alpha" mentality.

            He wants you to operate on a higher frequency.

            I don't know you well enough to say you should or you shouldn't.

            IMO almost everyone could do with operating at a higher frequency.

            Most people are fuckups and losers.

            Don't be a fuckup and loser.



            PS - There's nothing wrong with your friend's dad boinking a bunch of young pussy.

            PPS - If your friend was a man, he'd throw his wife out instead of his father, being in the army doesn't make someone "not a pussy" it just makes them a trained pussy, they can still be emotionally weak codependent manginas.

            PPPS - Ok fine, maybe your friend isn't a pussy, all I'm saying is "Bros before Hoes." Bitches aint shit.

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            • #7
              I don't understand people desiring a "strong male father figure" and then griping about the imperfections in their own fathers. Are you looking for perfection? If so, it doesn't exist.

              My father was a drunk. He beat me on a fairly regular basis. He yelled at me, cursed at me, and called me names. He's left me stuck in a tree. He's left me locked out at night. He made it obvious which of my siblings was his favorite. By today's standards, he was about as bad of a father as you can get.

              But you know what else he did? He fed me, clothed me, taught me, inspired me, put a roof over my head (if I came home in time lol), he made sure I had any and all medical attention necessary. He worked 60+ hours a week to do those things. He's picked me up when I was stranded on the side of the road. He stood up for me when my principal wanted to expel me for something someone else did.

              So, should I hate him or love him.....

              To hear young people talk about fathers, I should despise him for his faults and his failures. And, for a time (teenaged years) I did. Was he perfect? Hell no. Did he try? Hell yes. Was he "there for me"? No, not really. But that's because he was somewhere else for me.

              So tell me, love or hate?

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              • #8
                we have all been called good men and bad men, good fathers and bad fathers...…….my answer has always been, no just a man, just a father


                at this point I would seriously consider the both of you are just men...…..imperfectly so

                it really is a have the courage to change what you can, accept what you cannot change, wisdom to know the difference situation...………..that's as settled as its going to get!

                problems maybe 100% him, but, how you feel about it, how settled you feel, is 100% you!

                buddha say anger is, like holding onto a hot coal hoping to throw it at someone else, you burn yourself.

                take it from someone who cannot afford mental anguish......the only thing you can control is you, do your best, confront, be open, be honest, and be accepting, its your peace and contentment that matters here above all.

                unbelievable, everyone should have the benefit of multiple breakdowns and heartattacks

                and dubs, right on cue with the be a man crap lmao
                A man can gain no more respect than by, laying down his life for a woman. And a woman, no more than by, beating down a man. For a man to ask, what is fair and good and true and just, is to offend.

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                • #9

                  "be a man crap" = "how dare you encourage someone to succeed, being a permanently triggered snowflake is edgy"

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                  • #10
                    No, it's all good advice guys. I like to hear all opinions and experiences.

                    I think it's the way my dad shit-talks his own family to anyone that will listen is his oddest and worst habit. My friends all hate him with a passion as he often airs dirty laundry to them when I'm not around and makes them feel uncomfortable.

                    My mom forgives the horrible things he says very quickly. She believes he is mentally ill, perhaps autistic, and cannot help himself. He's never been diagnosed, but I suppose it doesn't even matter this late in the game.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by dubs View Post
                      "be a man crap" = "how dare you encourage someone to succeed, being a permanently triggered snowflake is edgy"
                      lol more like self empowerment thru being an ass fucking goof, under the guise of helping.
                      A man can gain no more respect than by, laying down his life for a woman. And a woman, no more than by, beating down a man. For a man to ask, what is fair and good and true and just, is to offend.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It's okay guys, seriously. Tough love advice can be helpful.
                        There's a whole lot more to this that goes beyond the scope of a men's support site. Primarily, my brothers and I are going to inherit a HUGE mess when my parents pass. I ask him to please get their affairs in order so I don't have to deal with it, but my dad doesn't care at all.

                        I'm not sure what forums out there deal with this. I miss USENET. It was so neatly organized. I don't understand how to use Reddit or the chans.

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                        • #13
                          Describe the mess. Perhaps I can help. I went through some similar stuff when my mom passed and when my grandma passed.

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